to the woman who shies away from the dating scene…

If you’re anything like me, then just the mere thought of dating and the slightest possibility of it not going as planned is mentally exhausting. You probably work your own nerves just pondering on all the energy it takes to put yourself out there time and time again after one relationship doesn’t work out. Well, you’re not alone when it comes to feeling this way. Believe it or not, there’s a bulk of us who do….and here’s why:

Rejection.

When You're Just Not Ready for Rejection | Jane Friedman

You don’t have to admit it to me. In fact, your pride probably won’t let you and that’s normal. We all have subconsciously harbored some fear of rejection at some point in time. So many of us have been going through what seems like a never-ending spiral of it. We’ve been rejected in so many ways that it takes a while to build our confidence up, then once we get it where we want it, we’re back to square one. It takes ALOT to put yourself out there at the risk of someone rejecting you. It is a pattern that we tend to attract because we have rejected a part of Self.

Rejection leaves us feeling inadequate and subpar. It’s a feeling that our brain doesn’t seem to process, and something that we have a hard time accepting. All hope is not lost though, as someone rejecting you is not something that you should take offensively or personally. Sometimes people go through certain situations and when the kitchen starts heating up (ex: you and said person are finally planning to meet up), their trauma steps forward and they renege. Maybe that person had a similar experience in the past and they’re afraid to risk being stood up again. Either way, that has absolutely nothing to do with you, and it isn’t your job to fix it. Allow that person to work on their own issues while you continue on your journey.

Starting over.

Couples Therapy - Paul Hoskins

When I turned 18 and started college, I told myself that I would be married by 23. At age 28, I look back and laugh because I hadn’t even scratched the surface of all that life had to offer me. At 19, I was in my first relationship that I did not take as serious as I should have. There was no infidelity or anything of that nature- I was just young, immature and obviously not ready for that type of commitment.

After we separated, we still did things occasionally and even tried to doctor our relationship for two years after. When we decided that it just wasn’t working, I found myself starting over for the first time….and how I wish I would have been prepared. Of course with me being so young, I still was playing the field and not putting much thought into relationships. I only knew that I didn’t want to be tied down anymore so I was just doing my own thing. I casually dated and focused more on being a tease and playing hard to get.

I get it. No one likes starting over. None of us want to be almost 30 years old asking a potential partner what their favorite food and color is. We don’t feel like we have time and we’re also scared to once again put all of our eggs into one basket, even if they’re asking you to take that leap of faith. The beauty in starting over is the lesson that we learn. If it didn’t bring us what we wanted, it definitely taught us what we didn’t want. We also gain this refined skill of caution and awareness the next time we decide we’re ready to entertain another potential. Once we’ve recognized the pattern, we can decide to walk away if it doesn’t serve us.

Intention.

41 Hilarious Pics of People Getting Caught Looking - Funny Gallery

I could totally write a book on intention alone when it relates to dating. I have never witnessed a more dishonest generation than the one that I’m apart of. I always say that I have more respect for the man who tells me upfront that he’s just looking for a quick hook up with no strings attached because then I know not to deal with that man. Anytime I put myself on the market, I’m forthcoming with my intent before anything else. I am OLD and I don’t have a second of time and energy to waste on the wrong person.

If you would’ve caught me 5 years ago, I’m certain that I would be entertaining a man who wasn’t looking for anything serious, thinking that I could change him eventually. Boy was I wrong! Maya Angelou said it best, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” So, here I was at age 22 thinking I could take a man who wasn’t ready for commitment and mold him into what I wanted him to be. Yes, it backfired on me. I knew that I was a good ass woman, but that meant nothing to someone who had made up in their mind that they weren’t looking to be what I needed. Yes, it was draining. It was draining to constantly prove my worth to a guy who simply wasn’t worth it. I would insert a quote here that says “Your worth doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to recognize it”. Words are fleeting, and actions say it all.

Reflection of self.

Mirror, Mirror – Developing our Reflective Activity | Profil Management  Limited

We simply attract:

What we are. “I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am.”

For the longest time, I did not understand why I attracted people who were both inconsistent and emotionally unavailable. It was a pattern and each time I would begin talking to a new guy, I would say in my head “I already know he’s gonna leave” or “He’s not going to stick around”. I too was inconsistent. I asked my spirit guide why I kept soliciting all of these men who were not consistent, knowing that it was my biggest pet peeve. I was inconsistent when it came to my goals mainly. I would write down my short term goals, hit the ground running and then become uninspired after the smallest inconvenience. This meant walking away from playing the piano for months when i couldn’t find the right chord, not picking up my journal to write for weeks when I struggled to articulate my words properly, and not opening my computer to blog when I felt like I wasn’t contributing anything that wasn’t already out there. I also lacked consistency when it came to potential relationships, refusing to put in effort on most days. It’s no surprise that I was a vibrational match to my own reality.

What we are ready for. Sometimes we set super high expectations for ourselves, and that’s okay. We have to continue to bear in mind that we only manifest these things when we are ready for them. Just because we don’t receive them when we ask doesn’t mean that they are unattainable. Some of you reading this put into the universe your desire to be eloped and starting a family by a certain age or point in our life. Years have passed you by and now you’re wondering what went wrong for you and how you missed out on a desire so valuable to you…but did you ever shift your consciousness? I’m sure by now you know how powerful your thoughts are. Everything begins in our mind and our thoughts shape our future. If you’re operating at this level of consciousness where you’ve convinced yourself to believe that you aren’t worthy of your desires, then you simply won’t get that which you desire. Instead, try centering your focus on why you deserve what what you’re seeking.

The sacredness of sex.

Sex Education 103: Sacred Sexuality – Ecstatic Soul Stripper

Energy is transferrable and soul ties are real. It does not serve you to give yourself to people whom you have no sort of connection to. Being young and wild is a phase that we all go through in our life. In fact, it was during my young and wild phase that I took a vow of celibacy. I was intimate with a guy that I was casually seeing and after our last time hooking up, something in me was just over the entire situation. It was pleasant in the beginning, but after a few months of hooking up with no connection being established, I became turned off. I was completely over being un-fulfilled and giving myself to people who couldn’t fill the void that I was needing. Sometimes connections are just instantaneous but that wasn’t the case for me. I was completely empty and overused, and I thought that I could heal that part of me by distracting myself with casual sex. Yet, I still left every time feeling confused. I learned the power of waiting and just allowing a man to dig into the core.

Before you decide to put yourself back out there, check in with your thoughts. How are you feeling? Are you Tarzan swinging from relationship to relationship because you aren’t emotionally mature enough to deal with yourself alone? Are you mentally prepared to put in the time and effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship? As I referenced in my previous post, https://heelsandhighhope.com/blog/, don’t date while you’re still healing. It’s unfair to your current partner to endure suffering as a result of your last partner’s mistakes, simply because you’re being irresponsible with your healing process. Make sure to take all the time you need and remember that healing is not linear.

Remain hopeful!

One thought on “to the woman who shies away from the dating scene…

  1. I like the idea of centering your focus on why you deserve what you’re seeking, but how do you convince yourself that you truly deserve what you need?
    Honesty in what you’re looking for is definitely a necessity for a healthy relationship.
    I disagree with the advice “Don’t date while you’re still healing”. Healing doesn’t have to stop before following a new pursuit. Ideally healing can and will happen anywhere: in a relationship, out of a relationship, while dating, while not dating.

    Like

Leave a Reply to Teela Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: